Saturday, June 16, 2012

Hope for the Critical Heart

{Ravaged by} Great Expectations: Part 2

(Don't miss Part 1, How to Strangle a Great Marriage.)

" . . . we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."
(1 John 3:20)

Remember my recent post on How to Strangle a Great Marriage? You know, the one where I share that one simple step called criticism unhealthy expectations? (Your comments and insights were so powerful, by the way!) Well, there’s unfortunately more to that ugly mess, friends. And it doesn’t just apply to marriage.

When it comes to our expectations, we have a choice as to what we do with them. Just like anything else in life, we can pretty much either attempt to manage them ourselves, or entrust them to the Lord’s loving care. And sadly, I am living proof of what can happen in the heart and mind when we don’t surrender our expectations fully to the Lord.

When I don’t de-throne my expectations, it hinders me from being able to process disappointment from unmet expectations biblically. And as a result, that poorly-processed disappointment quickly and easily leads to critical thoughts instead of forgiveness. Oppressive attacks of entitlement-based thinking, instead of streams of living grace.

One evening a few weeks ago, my husband was managing several time-sensitive business transactions. {He’s a local Real Estate expert, so we’re talkin’ critical stuff like negotiating on behalf of clients making some of the biggest decisions of their lives. But the man thrives with a good challenge. Wish I could say the same!}

Anyway . . . he had these critical transactions on his plate, yet was also graciously making himself available to me on the home front in the in between moments. Amidst his incredibly-full plate, he said some things that were clearly born out of a pressured context, but hurt, nonetheless. And in the middle of that conflict, our son accidentally dropped his drink on the floor, and his glass shattered into a wet mess.

If it had just been the glass that shattered, I would have swept it up. If it had just been liquid that spilled, I would have mopped it up. But this was a mess of both liquid and glass, and I didn’t know how to tackle it.
And that’s exactly how I felt about the ache in my heart at that moment.

I didn't know how to tackle my hurt. I didn't even know where to begin to process it biblically. I tried to remember the 10 principles that I recently shared in my Salve of Truth for the Wounded Soul post. But honestly, I couldn’t remember a single one.
I was drowning in my hurt.

Sadly, this is oftentimes the moment in marital conflict where my critical voice takes over. (For 15 years and counting . . . Sigh.) A speck of hurt can begin to look so large to me that I stare at it. From every angle. I begin to build an argument for why that speck is so terrible. In fact, I tell myself that I can’t even imagine allowing that speck into my own eye . . .
And in doing so, the pride-drenched critical log in my eye gets bigger.
And bigger.
And bigger.

In our conflict that night, my husband, my closest friend, was needing my understanding. But my self-focused flesh shut it down {along with appreciation}, and replaced it with looks of horror.
Over a speck . . .

But let me tell ya, friend – it didn't feel like a speck. It usually doesn't. Because my pride inconspicuously catches a ride with my feelings and sadly convinces my mind's eyes to see every speck magnified as beam-sized crushing blows. But then, something wonderful happened. God spoke to me – even though I was consumed with my hurt, not with Him!
He spoke to me despite me! Because He is greater than our feeble hearts, my friend!!

He said:
Don't make him feel like he's just done the worst thing in the world.
Because He hasn't.


And I thought:
Okay, Lord. Truth for sure . . . in fact, one that has come from my husband’s own lips in the past. Okay . . . don't make him feel like he's done the worst thing in the world . . .

My husband had stepped out of the kitchen for a bit to take care of something, and when he returned, I could tell that he was still bearing a lot of tension, so we delicately danced our way through some dialogue. And we probably exchanged no more than two or three minutes of conversation before the thought rose sharply to my mind:
He hasn't even apologized! . . .
I can't believe he can talk to me without even apologizing!


And in His mercy, God spoke to my wayward heart once again:
Don't look to get.
Look to give.


That evening, I was reminded that despite the battles that fiercely rage within my self-centered nature, God remains on His throne. Despite my tendency to attempt to find in my husband what only God can give, God continues to draw me to Himself. Despite the depravaty of my sin nature, I am hidden with Christ in all His holiness.

Whether you can be the voice of criticism, at times, or the recipient of it, I know the lies of life can become so loud and amplified.
They scream at you and tell you that you're not good enough, or not doing enough. They try to convince you that what he did is unforgivable, or unredeemable. Lies lure us to place our value, or others', in how well we live life, rather than in the sufficiency of Christ.
But I’m here to remind you that the Lord’s voice is LOUDER.
Because regardless of the state of your heart or mind, He is able to speak over the loudest noise in your soul. Whether the screams of hurt, the pain of criticism received, the bondage of expectations and criticism, the clutter of misplaced hope . . .

He is mighty to save us from ourselves, and He can make His voice be heard OVER all our pain, and all our junk.

So maybe you have times when you struggle with a critical spirit like I do. Or maybe you bear the tender bruises from critical words received. This fight for grace is a bloody battle, friends. But it's covered by the blood of Christ. So wherever you find yourself in that painful dynamic, I want you to know that there’s hope for the critical heart.




(Image above courtesy of Natanis Davidsen)

28 comments:

  1. Oh the pains of life and the hurts that we bear! Thanks for sharing your struggles, Tanya! It's only when we look to Jesus that we'll feel fully loved. Thanks for linking up with The Alabaster Jar. I enjoyed reading your post and I know it will minister to others.

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    1. thank you for those encouraging words, jolene. after all my husband's done for me, esp. amidst my health crisis, sharing this struggle {for the world to read} is a pretty humbling place to be right now. but i'm sure that's exactly where the Lord wants me to be. and like you said, i just hope it ministers to others who may struggle with the same thing.

      i read this wonderful marriage tip from proverbs 31's lisa johnson the other day:
      "Be the person you'd like to be married to. If you'd like a little more grace for your faults, give a little more grace for theirs. If you need more love and understanding, give more love and understanding to your spouse."

      a-MEN!!

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  2. Thank you for sharing this personal experience. I so often am critical of my husband for things that really are not that big of a deal. I even see the pain in his eyes and I wish I could take it all back but it is too late.

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    1. i'm so honored to have you stop by, shanda. and your transparency means so much. i, too, wish i could take back so many hurtful messages that i've communicated to my husband, whether verbally or non-verbally. but i'm ever grateful that God remains in the business of redemption. and so i can come freely before His throne to ask Him to bring surprising beauty from all the ashes that i create -- for our good, & His glory.

      blessings to you, my friend,
      tanya

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    1. thanks, denise -- so glad to hear it.
      and i hope you stop by again!

      blessings to you,
      tanya

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  4. A beautiful reminder that I needed to hear today... Thank you!

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    1. thanks, jenni -- it's one i need to remind myself of EVERY day. God is always greater. Always . . .

      thanks so much for visiting -- hope you stop by again!

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  5. Hey Tanya - Tanya here! Coming to you via Life Unmasked - nice to see you again!

    That image of the milk and the glass mixed up together is so powerful as a picture of emotional hurt. So cool that God spoke to you so clearly in it (and that you obeyed Him, which is the other half of it...)

    Thank you so much for sharing. Blessings to you -hope you have an excellent week!

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    1. TANYA!!! SO, SO great to hear from you -- i've missed you, girl! i've been (joyfully) preoccupied since my little guy got out of school a month ago, so i haven't been able to get outside these four (blog) walls much. (well, let's face it -- i haven't been able to get out of my real four walls much, either! and i know you can relate!) anyway, thx so much for stopping by with the virtual hug of encouragement. i hope you have a blessed week as well, my fellow sojourner!

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  6. Such good counsel here, especially about not making people feel terrible for doing something that, in the big scheme of things, isn't worth making a fuss over.

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    1. thanks, joy -- this post has been one of the hardest ones for my pride to swallow after all that rob's done for me, so your encouragement means a lot.

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  7. Hi, Tanya--this is my first time visiting here.(I found you via the Life:Unmasked links on Joy's blog.) Thank you so much for sharing your story of how God can speak to us even through our mess--in the middle of churning emotions and relational tension. I love examples of God's kindness to us! They give me hope.

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    1. i am so glad you found me! joy is a good friend from college & has been such a pioneer to me of raw authenticity.

      i'm grateful that God used this story to remind you of the hope we have in Him. He's always more than able to make such radiant beauty out of our worst messes, isn't He?

      i sure hope you stop by again sometime!

      blessings,
      tanya

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  8. Great post, Tanya! I appreciate the reminders you shared about how we let our self-focus rob us of the chance to bless those we're closest to. I "liked" your site on FB and will hopefully notice more of your uplifting posts. Thanks for visiting me at Doorkeeper. Blessings!

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    1. thanks for your encouaging words, renee. i look forward to sojourning with you!

      blessing to you as well,
      tanya

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  9. Yes, Tanya, this is so much like what I was trying to say over at my place. I think everyone probably struggles with these kinds of feelings in life and marriage from time to time. It's always good to know that we're not alone in that struggle. But what's even better is that God is there for us in those times of hurt to lift us above the pain. You demonstrated that when you responded to God's loving voice. This really is a story of victory and redemption. Oh, how I love God's redemption. :) Thanks so much for your vulnerable sharing and example of following Christ!

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    1. it's always such an honor to have you stop by, beth. thanks for taking the time to reach out with your encouraging words.

      my spirit has been heavy tonight as the Lord continues to search me & know me, & bring to light this sinful tendency in my heart. but your observation that this is a story of victory & redemption are a timely reminder for me to adjust my gaze & be overwhelmed by the Cross, not my sin.

      may He continue to lead you & i in the way everlasting, my friend.

      all for His glory,
      tanya

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  10. What a wonderful post and one struggle that I can certainly identify with. Praise Him for being there in the midst of struggles and for your tenderness to Him. Thanks so much for sharing!
    Blessings!
    Popping over from Faith Filled Friday

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    1. thanks for your transparency in sharing that you can relate, heather. even though the heart construction is painful, i'm ever grateful that our Father loves us too much to leave us to ourselves.

      i'm so glad you stopped by today.
      blessings to you & yours,
      tanya

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  11. The verse about God being greater than our hearts has long been a very meaningful one for me. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. thanks so much for taking the time to extend your encouragement with a comment, jennifer. when i saw a comment come in from you, my first thought was, "she doesn't read ALL of those blogs that link up, does she??" wow, that would be a tremendous amount of reading! either way, i truly appreciate your taking the time to stop by truth in weakness.

      blessings to you & yours,
      tanya

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  12. You offer *such* hope here.
    Thank you for your ruthless honesty and your passionate uncovering of truth. Your blog seems to scream this thought: "There is more power in sharing our weaknesses than in sharing our strengths." (Brennan Manning)

    For our weaknesses are many, but our Strength is but One.

    And thanks for the thoughtful remarks you left on my blog.
    Nice to meet you!

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    1. i absolutely LOVE that brennan manning quote, kelli -- that's exactly IT!! i'm so grateful to have you stop by, & your words of encouragement mean so much.

      btw, i've kept coming back to your "imperfection" post *numerous* times since i first read it. i say BRAVO!!

      a true pleasure to virtually meet you as well.

      blessings to you, my fellow pilgrim in the imperfect,
      tanya

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  13. Wow Tanya, you surely stuck a nerve with this one to have so many comments. I love the way you respond to your commenters! You take each one personally & are so encouraging to each one. God has certainly gifted you with words of encouragement.

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  14. Thanks for visiting my blog this weekend and for your sweet comment, Tanya! Love what you're doing here! I find such hope in this statement: "...the Lord's voice is LOUDER." Praise Him for that! Thanks for the encouragement!

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    1. i'm so excited that you stopped by, emily! (doin' a happy dance!) and i'm with you all the way -- finding such hope in the fact that God's voice is LOUDER! (b/c sheesh, my own "voices" can get *awfully* loud!)

      thanks so much for stopping by with your note of encouragement -- hope to have you visit again!

      blessings,
      tanya

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  15. Wow, Tanya! So powerful and so vulnerable. I love that "Don't look to get, look to give!" That's what Christ calls each one of us to do and yet it is so stinkin' hard sometimes! Thanks for revealing this painful dance we do with our egos--cuz we ALL can relate!! :) Encouraged to see you back in the blogging business again. Maybe you've been back a while and I've missed it. I've been a bit distracted of late! But love your wisdom here!

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