{Ravaged by} Great Expectations: Part 1
I’ve said more than once that if I could just take all of my expectations and chuck them out the window, I’d have SIGNIFICANTLY less problems in my life. Really, they haunt me in practically every relationship. They suck the very life out of me – and those around me. Some nights they wear me out ‘til I am physically sapped to the core.
Tonight was one of those nights.
I was processing this expectation beast with the Lord, wanting to understand the source of a few of them, in particular – the ones that weigh me down with the heaviest of chains. And why I haven’t let them go yet??
Why do I continue to hold onto some of them when I know that Freedom & Joy await me on the other side? . . .
Like every other married person on the planet, I have dreams and desires for my marriage. Noble dreams! Healthy desires. And so the thought of letting go of them feels like resignation.
As if to show my husband grace by releasing him of an expectation is to throw away the value associated with the expectation, and the well-being of the relationship.
It feels like I’d have to throw away the dream.
“You are a slave to whatever controls you.”
- 2 peter 2:19, CEB
Unfortunately, when it comes to something as important as my marriage, I easily lose every ounce of patience {and perspective} and want results yesterday. So for the sake of time, I repeatedly take matters into my own hands.
Rather than talk to God {the Creator and Sustainer of marriage, by the way} about it first, I go right to my husband {in all my ungracious self-life} and “enlighten him” about the speck in his eye.
And I create relational damage every. single. time.
So when I cling more tightly to good things than to our great God, I put them on a throne that only He deserves. Bright hopes and dreams fade into dark shadows of entitlement. Life and vibrance get strangled out of the relationship.
And I miss the treasure standing right in front of me.
Truth: Trusting God doesn’t mean that we have to lose our dreams and desires.
It means we get to find the very Fulfillment of them!
In the Right Place.
{And the other reality check in all this? Just like I'm needing to entrust my ummet expectations into to the Lord's loving hands, my husband is needing to do the very. same. thing. . . }
Dear friend, do you find it hard to entrust God with your soul's desires, too?
And miss the treasures right before you?
Join the many sojourners struggling along this journey by sharing your thoughts in a comment. Then, be sure to continue with us by reading Part 2, Hope for the Critical Heart.
Image courtesy of Vincent Zegna
I love the comments on expectations! I'm not married but like every other college student I know relationships and marriage are on the forefront of everyone's brain. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that one of the biggest problems in every single one of my relationships, friendships included, is my selfishness and desire for others to love me, care for me, and cater to my needs in the exact manner that I desire. That way of thinking is poison. Thanks for the post; I enjoyed it.
ReplyDeletethx, jerry. and yep, the title could just as easily read, "how to strangle a great friendship." b/c like you said, it's all the same old struggle w/ self. which is certainly no respector of age, season of life, relationships, etc.
Deletethx for stopping by, & enjoy your time in my hometown!
Oh expectations. they are killer. Good thoughts.
ReplyDeletehey i'm so honored! after only having done this blogging thing for 6 mo, i've come to grips with the unfortunate reality that it's impossible to read every single great blog post out there (& your list is no doubt exponentially longer than mine). so really, means a lot to have you stop by, joy. thx.
DeleteTanya, yes yes yes. Perspective is so important. Thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteyou are more than welcome, sarah. and thank YOU for implanting eye of the tiger in my head today, LOL. ;)
DeleteExpectations will ravage any relationship, no matter how good/strong it is. The only thing more powerful is letting go and letting Jesus.
ReplyDeleteHugs, friend!!!
that is exactly it. taking it all to Jesus -- just like anything else in life. big hugs backatcha, my friend.
DeleteExpectations lead to disappointment... in self, in others, even in God (okay, I'm just being really honest here...) And yet it is being somewhat of an "Eyeore" (as in Winnie-the-Pooh) to have the "expect nothing, get nothing, & you won't be disappointed" attitude. I think the fine line is in how realistic our expectations are, & sometimes we don't even realize that until we are disappointed...
ReplyDeleteThanks for reminding me of the perspective!
well now, you just stole my punch-line for part 2 or 3, LOL! ;) and i appreciate what you pointed out -- that it's not healthy to build up a wall up around our soul & live life as a cynic to avoid disappointment. but rather, seek to keep expectations realistic -- with a heart that ultimately finds its fulfillment & well being in the Lord.
Deletethx for your insights -- & honesty!
Hi Tanya - Tanya here!
ReplyDeleteLove this post - though it felt all too familiar to my experience... On the one hand, it's good to have expectations of a marriage - and good standards to mutually aim for. (It's good, for example, to expect not to get abused by your marriage partner.)
It's when the expectations are unfair, or too expecting too rapid or unrealistic a change that it gets a bit more tricky. It's the temptation to pick, pick, pick at the person you love. I think it's insightful that choosing not to 'pick' and lay down some expectations means a bigger trust in God. Good thoughts...
hey friend! thanks for sharing how you can relate to this tricky territory.
Deletewonderful, wonderful point that grace doesn't mean throwing away right boundaries like abuse. thank you for completing this piece with that critical component.
and yes, the temptation to pick, pick, pick -- at that speck . . . missing the boat-load of planks in my own eye. the planks that get in the way of HIS unmet dreams & desires.
oh to Grace, how great a debtor . . .
I was just talking about something similar with a friend today. I think that as women we must always be careful when a friend is seeking counsel from us about her husband. I know that when I am seeking Biblical counsel about something in my marriage, I am looking for ways to make my marriage stronger and healthier, and not for someone to drag my situation down and/or speak poorly of my husband.
ReplyDeleteA friend, who thinks that they are being supportive, who criticizes the husband instead of offering good Biblical advice, can make the wife think that they should be able to expect more from the husband and it can leave the wife who is suffering even more depleated of hope for their situation. Too high of expectations can end up tearing a relationship apart.
I am thankful to have a couple of really good friends who, despite what they might be thinking, always offer wonderful insight, with compassion, as to maybe why my husband is doing something and ways in which to make the situation easier, or to help heal any hurts.
cheryl,
Deletethank you so much for that spot-on insight about true friends encouraging us to think rightly.
what you shared reminds me much of what a good friend of mine shared with me a while ago. she told me that she's not a big fan of marriage books -- b/c she's seen so many women come away from them with a focus on how their husband should be better. interestingly enough, her name is cheryl. :)
thank you for taking the time to invest in the rest of us with your insight on healthy, productive patterns in Biblical counsel -- or even just in ordinary conversations with our girlfriends.
- tanya
Yes, I know this place. Especially when the things you desire from your husband are good things. Godly things. I got so caught up in what I wanted my husband to be I was nagging him to death. Oh, how grace for our partner lets God be the one to change them. I came over from Some Girls Website and I'm glad I did. Great post.
ReplyDeletethanks so much for stopping by! and while i know i'm not the only one who struggles with this, it's so helpful to hear somebody actually verbalize that they struggle, too. so thank you for that gift of understanding.
Deletemay God give us the courage to entrust Him with our dreams -- knowing that our spouse is needing to do the very same thing!
Yes, I am so guilty of the expectation monster. I expect my husband to "be" like this or "do" that. I have such high expectations of him and when he doesn't meet those expectations, I always feel let down. My fault, of course, not his. But God has been teaching me lately that no one is perfect. How can I expect my husband to be perfect when I'm not perfect? How can I expect so much of my husband when I can't provide the same in return? There have been a lot of hard lessons, but a lot of much-needed lessons. Great post! Thanks for visiting my blog today! :)
ReplyDeletewhat a delight to virtually meet you today, jen. and what you shared reminds me of a story our discipleship pastor shared on sunday:
Deletebefore he was married, he wrote a list of all of the attributes for his future wife. he showed it to his friend and declared, "THIS is the woman i will marry." to which the friend responded that if he finds that woman, then she will expect the same things of him.
isn't that so great? oh, how i could unfortunately relate to him. and as for the disappointments, i'm learning {little-by-little} that God lovingly allows them -- as invitations to cling to the Cross & nothing else.
and the reality? my husband is needing to do the very. same. thing.
thanks, jen, for your encouragement today & virtual hug.
big hugs back-atcha, friend,
tanya
Expectations! Ugh, how I *know* just what you are talking about here. I have been the Queen of expectations, especially in my marriage relationship. I have been there (you know the ungracious place) so many times. And every time I wonder when I will finally get it. Not until eternity I don't think. Because that's why I need His grace.
ReplyDeletehey there, sweet friend,
Deletethanks for your honesty. and there's def. Hope for us to one day get it -- b/c God is greater than the messiest corners of our hearts. and i think getting it will essentially mean getting Him. His trustworthiness, His goodness, the fact that His heart is even more vested in my marriage than mine is, the fact that His dreams for my marriage far surpass my own. a young woman at my church wrote a book titled, "will you trade your dreams for His?" that's exactly it.
have a blessed weekend, & btw, i started tchividjian's book last night -- wonderful!! just as gospel drenched as i was hoping. lovin' it -- with highlighter in hand. ;)
The more we let got, the more we gain. One of these faith paradoxes that work time after time. Yet it is tough to surrender. But when we give our dreams to God, He can perfect them or give us even better ones. The more we focus on God, the easier our lives/marriages become. Such an authentic post, Tanya. Thank you for sharing and getting us thinking/talking. BLESSINGS
ReplyDeleteWELL SAID, my friend! that is the glorious paradox, indeed. we have the opp. to entrust our dreams to the One who is able to do immeasurably more than anything we CAN dream! the only "risk:" discovering full soul rest . . .
DeleteLord, let your agape love flow through me.
More of You, less of me.
I love this! It's so insightful. It's very easy, especially in marriage, to feel like you have a right to your expectations being met by your spouse. I love that you point people back to the only one that can truly fulfill our desires. ~Heather @ http://lovelybeautifulsmiles.blogspot.com
ReplyDeletehey there, heather -- thx so much for stopping by! and i can't tell you how much it encourages my soul for you to say that i pointed people back to the only One who can truly fulfill our desires. b/c that is precicely my heart's deep, deep desire for this entire blog. so really, makes me so very thankful to hear that.
Deletethx again for reaching out on circle of moms!
blessings to you & yours this weekend,
tanya
Thank you for sharing the article with us! keep on posting and sharing! I have also a blog, I just thought that you want also to visit it and follow me http://godsarmour1031.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteMore power to your site..
and GOD bless you..
thanks so much for stopping by. and i'll definitely look forward to checking out your blog, too!
Deleteblessings to you,
tanya
This is very powerful. I am with you each step of your journey. Expectations have made me feel unhappy in the midst of incredible blessing and goodness. Compared to the rest of the world, we Americans have it so easy...yet we are the ones who are always questioning God's goodness! Thanks for sharing this honest and convicting post.
ReplyDeletegail,
Deletewhat a treat to have you stop by. and thank you for candidly sharing how much you can relate to this struggle. i've cont. to process this with the Lord since writing it, reminded again {& again} how quickly i create idols in my heart (incl. with my expectations). in fact, i read this martin luther quote just last night:
"whatever your heart clings to and confides in, that is really your God" (or "functional" savior).
and so i remain ever, ever grateful that God is greater than my heart!
blessings to you & yours,
tanya
Yes...very much.
ReplyDeleteI could relate to this very much...
Last year we read Paul Tripp's--
"What Did You Expect? Redeaming the Realities Marriage."
Probably my all-time-favorite marriage book.
But it hit me--when I hold onto expectations is really all because of fear. Because I don't trust God to meet my needs. Because I don't trust that God can change him/us/me. Because I am afraid.
I love the verse...
"do what is right without being frightened by any fear..." (1 Pet. 3:6)
Entrusting myself to Him.
I know He is faithful.
LOVED this post!
thx so much for stopping by, kara, & sharing your thoughts on how you can relate to this struggle.
Deleteand i'm so thrilled that you mentioned paul tripp's book b/c his brother tedd wrote my fav. parenting book (shepherding a child's heart). and only recently have i stumbled upon some of paul's writing online & been so incredibly drawn in by it, b/c it gushes gospel grace! so i will DEF. be looking up that book.
and you're exactly right about it coming down to not trusting God to meet our needs, being afraid that He's not sufficient like He says He is . . . i was chewing on that fear root some more this afternoon with the Lord. "do what is right without being frightened by any fear" . . . YES. (YES, Lord -- may it be so in my life!)
your insights are pure delight here, friend. i truly hope you stop by again sometime.
sweet blessings to you, kara,
tanya
Thank you for stopping by Leaving A Legacy today, and for your sweet comments. I loved your post. I have the same problem, of not giving it over to God first. Sometimes I think, when will I learn. I have to continually surrender to God every day. :)
ReplyDeletei'm so happy you stopped by! thx for your encouraging words, & sharing that you, too, can relate. in fact, i could pretty much switch out my title for yours, couldn't i? because in my struggle to trust, i'm essentially saying no. no to His plan, no to His best, no to His goodness . . . goodness, it's really such a no-brainer, isn't it?
Deleteblessings to you & yours, shari,
tanya
Tanya, you hit this truth straight on. I love "As if to show my husband grace by releasing him of an expectation is to throw away the value associated with the expectation, and the well-being of the relationship." Powerful!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing,
Lisa
www.moretobe.com & www.pnpcoaching.com
thanks for that encouragement, lisa. and He knows, doesn't He? He certainly knows . . .
Deleteblessings to you today,
tanya
yes! these expectations. I find myself drawn to my own set in almost every situation...learning to let go and allow things to "be"...great reminder!
ReplyDeletethank you, sweet soul, for sharing that you, too, face this seemingly-relentless struggle. i read something the other night from beth moore that was so very freeing. she said,
Delete"if we're willing to admit our lack of confidence in Him, Christ is more than willing to help us overcome our unbelief."
is that not truth in weakness or WHAT? oh, the glorious freedom to be weak, & let HIM be our strength!
blessings to you, sweet sister. i'm so honored that you stopped by.
- tanya
Aren't expectations the hardest to overcome in marriage? I'm learning that when I let go of the expectation, God takes care of that dream...something about letting go that gets up where we want to go (unless God completely transforms the dream!). "Truth: Trusting God doesn’t mean that we have to lose our dreams and desires.It means we get to find the very Fulfillment of them!" So true.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your heart.
they sure are, theresa. every time i realize how much weight i put on them, i'm faced with the fact that i'm looking to the wrong place/source for my fulfillment. because in reality, no matter how wonderful my husband is (& he sure is -- hands DOWN!), i will never be fully satisfied in my marriage (or any OTHER relationship, for that matter) until my soul finds its fill, its rest in the all-sufficiency of Christ.
Deleteyou're exactly right -- it's simply a matter of trusting God to take care of the dream, to BE the dream.
thanks so much for visiting, & your encouraging insights & example,
tanya
This is a good post. Ultimately, God has to change everyone's heart. I'll admit, though; it's hard to leave that work up to God. A friend of mine told me, recently, that she prayed only blessings for her husband for an entire year. She said it was life-changing. What a challenge!
ReplyDeletehey there, brandee,
Deletethx so much for visiting truth in weakness recently, & for sharing your friend's inspiring example (re: praying only blessings for her husband for an entire year). what a powerful challenge, INDEED!
and btw, i enjoyed reading your about me! and i see we have lots in common, starting w/ our birth yr, & incl. the flute, seasons of residence in the mid-atlantic & midwest, & JMU (i have a bro-in-law who's a prof there, & a nephew who's studying there. cue sentimental sniff.). ;) and i almost went there, myself.
blessings to you & yours. and my apologies for not dropping you a note sooner -- b/t spring break & a sick hubby, i've had the blessed opp to breathe more life into my two guys than my blog lately. :) take care, & would love to have you stop by again sometime!