My Tomato Plant Story, & Surviving the Traumas of Life

"All our difficulties are only platforms
for the manifestation of His grace, power, and love." ~ Hudson Taylor

At the beginning of the summer, a sweet friend offered our family a tomato plant. I was so thrilled, because for about three years, my son has been asking to plant a garden. In fact, for a few months before my health crisis kicked in, he and my husband were in planning mode – figuring out which vegetables would need what type of sunlight, observing the sun’s patterns around our yard, and so on.

But apparently the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry, don’t they? My health crisis kicked in, our family landscape took on a life-altering shift, and it all came to a screeching halt. So when my friend extended the offer, it was such a personal blessing from the Lord. A moment of mercy in the form of a tomato plant.

When we picked up our new little tomato plant from our friend, it had recently been plummeted by a significant downpour of hail, and even uprooted by the storm. So when we got it, it was in a weak and fragile state, and kinda looked like Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree. But it was a treasure to us – because it was ours. Finally, our very own {one-plant} garden.

{I just love that watering can, don't you?}

My son and I potted it and put it on our deck, right outside our back door. Day and night, I look out the back window to see how it’s coming along. Constantly! {It’s been a powerful reminder that God clearly created me to nurture – because nurturing is one way that He orients my heart toward Him, and draws my soul into worship.} Well sure enough, between some regular rounds of water and doses of the morning summer sun, it didn’t take long before it came around.

When our family went away for two weeks, a kind neighbor gave our tomato plant its fill of water in the summer heat. When we returned, we were surprised to find that it had nearly doubled in size. AND, it had its first small green tomato on it!

It was evident that the 12” pot wasn’t going to cut it much longer, so we bought a bigger new pot. And sadly, the transfer from one pot to the other became a big mess – from our deck to our hearts. In the process, a ton of dirt ended up all over our back deck, feelings were hurt, and the prized tiny green tomato ended up breaking off. (Sigh.)

The following morning after my son watered it, he asked why there was only one cluster of blossoms, when the day before, there were five or six. So I introduced him to the word, trauma.

I explained that plants are fragile, and so the process of uprooting them and transferring them from one pot to another is very hard on them, and often takes a big toll on their well-being for a time, just like we were witnessing. Branches broke, clusters of life-expectant yellow blossoms weren’t sustained, and it lost the only new solitary “crop” it had yielded. All normal responses to the trauma it had endured. But I knew it would be okay. I knew it would, in fact, be healthier in the new pot.

~ ~ ~

My sweet sojourner, I know you’ve been there. One day, you’re all settled in the warm and rich soil of life just like every day prior. And then out of nowhere, the hardest of hail starts to pound the core of your being. It’s harsh, it’s heavy, and it’s no respecter of the things you cherish. Including your pride.

And it hurts. It hurts deeply. I know, precious one, because I’ve been there. We bruise. We break. And we feel as if the very roots of our soul are being cruelly yanked out of the ground, swept up by dark storms. And it doesn’t seem to let up, does it?

I know you’ve had days when you don’t think you can take any more. Days when you are too weak to even hold your head up, too despairing to even lift your eyes toward the sun to look for a glimmer of hope. Days when the crushing weight of life seems more than you can bear. Like our battered plant, your fragile frame slouches low, and all your weary eyes see is the dirt that once nurtured and sustained you – now a scattered mess on the ground around you.

Those storm clouds continue to loom & threaten no relief for the downpour. In fact, you don’t even recognize where you are, anymore.
Or who you are.

You’ve grown desperate and afraid, haven’t you? And your soul cries out in agony, wondering if you’re even heard. Sometimes you don’t even have it in you to scramble for hope. Sometimes you're not even feeling much of anything.

And so, weary traveler, what are we to do in those times?
How are we to manage the tremendous pain that life so faithfully doles out?

Well, I know it sounds simple. And I know you’ve heard it a thousand times before. But we are simply to trust.

Listen to this:
"If you are walking in darkness,
without a ray of light,
trust in the Lord
and rely on your God."
- Isaiah 50:10

Trust, friend.
Trust.

If you feel like the very ground beneath you is swiftly being swept away, and you have nothing left, these are some truths to hang onto:

You are not alone.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed.
We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus,
so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."
~ 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

God has not abandoned you or left you to fend for your own soul. He IS present with you in this circumstance. And He wants you to know that He sees your pain. With His tender hand, He has personally collected every tear you’ve cried along this journey.
And He understands.

You are not consumed.

“Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord."
~ Lamentations 3:22-26

The Lord is your portion.
Wait for Him, dear one.

You are not without hope.

“God will never forget the needy;
the hope of the afflicted will never perish.”
~ Psalm 9:18

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him."
~ Psalm 62:5

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.”
~ Jeremiah 29:11

His plans are NOT to harm you.
Remember that!

Yes, we are pounded hard by the consequences of a fallen world like ice-cold hail on a delicate leaf. But God is greater than the world, and nothing can stop the hope-filled plans that He has for your life. (Job 42:2).
Nothing.

God is sustaining you.

"You gave me life and showed me your unfailing love.
My life was preserved by your care."
~ Job 10:12

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
~ Psalm 94:18-19

God is renewing you.

“I restore the crushed spirit of the humble
and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.”
~ Isaiah 57:15

“So we do not lose heart.
Though our outer self is wasting away,
our spirits are being renewed every day.”
~ 2 Corinthians 4:16

“For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun!
Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”
~ Isaiah 43:19

“The believer who is going through struggle and failure is the Christian who is being carefully and lovingly handled by his Lord in a very personal way . . . God works by paradox. Success comes via failure; life springs out of death. The only element in the believer’s life that crumbles is that which has to go anyway – the new life can never be harmed or affected.”
~ Miles J. Stanford (The Complete Green Letters)

God’s grace is enough.

“He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient."
~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

I want you to think about the most difficult trial you are facing today. Something immediately came to mind when I said that, didn’t it? So take that circumstance, that relationship, that crisis – whatever it is, I want you to insert into this sentence:

His grace is enough for ________ .

Was that a hard one to swallow? It is for me oftentimes, because my finite, rational being struggles to trust that God is truly as big as He really is. So tell it to yourself a couple more times:

His grace is enough for ________ .

His grace IS enough for ________ !

In your weakness, you’ll find your Strength.

“for My power is made perfect in weakness.”~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

“All through life God has to show us our utter sinfulness and need, before He is able to lead us on into realms of grace, in which we shall glimpse His glory.”~ Miles J. Stanford (The Complete Green Letters)

Your weakness, dear soul, is far more valuable to God than your strength, for it causes you to be dependent on His great power. And that dependence is precisely where your Strength is found. Because that’s where HE is found – at the end of you. Not your perceived self-sufficiency. Not the areas of life that feel under control. Your weak spots, your struggles, yes, even your suffering.
Your helplessness is the very vehicle for the perfect power of God Almighty.

“My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
~ Psalm 73:26

And maybe, just maybe, there’s something you can’t see.
Maybe what feels like an uprooting is actually the mighty Hand of God tenderly carrying you to a new pot, leading you to a new place that will offer your soul more room – more room for growth, more room for Him. Remember what happens to a plant’s roots when they have more room to grow? They grow deeper, and stronger.

And maybe He’s positioning you for greatness.
My pastor recently pointed out that Paul’s chains were actually used as a means for his survival. His chains! And they were used as a platform for him to preach the Gospel to an even larger audience. Acts 28:30 says that Paul preached “without hindrance.” Luke described Paul, who was incarcerated and in CHAINS, as preaching “without hindrance!” I love it!
Without hindrance – because God is omnipotent.

I want to share with you something I read just the other night in Sarah Young’s devotional, Jesus Calling, because it encouraged me so much, and I think it will encourage you, too:

“Wait with Me for a while. I have much to tell you.”

That line alone struck deep within me. And then it goes on to say this:

“You are walking along the path I have chosen for you. It is both a privileged and a perilous way: experiencing My glorious Presence and heralding that reality to others . . .
The work I am doing in you is hidden at first.
But eventually blossoms will burst forth, and abundant fruit will be borne.
Stay on the path of Life with Me.
Trust Me wholeheartedly, letting My Spirit fill you with Joy and Peace.”

And so, sweet soul, when branches of your body break, when clusters of life’s beautiful yellow blossoms are not sustained, when you lose the treasured green tomato that your soul has nurtured, trust Him.
Trust Him fully.

Be still.
And know that He is God.
And because He is God, you’re going to be okay.
And with this trauma, can also come deep healing, and surprising wholeness.

And now, the opportunity is yours.
I’ve been the one doing all the talking here, so now our Truth in Weakness readers and I would like to hear from you. All of you fall into one of two categories. You are either somebody who is in the middle of a painful time, and trying to survive. Or you are somebody who God has sustained through a painful journey. Or maybe you’re both.

For those of you who are in a painful circumstance right now, this is your safe place where you can be vulnerable and real. That's the whole purpose of this community. And in doing so, you not only gift others with the permission to do the same, but you open the door of your soul to your Healer. So, precious friend, how is your heart after reading this post? What part of the struggle can you most relate to? And which truth did you need to hear most today?

For those of you who can look back and attest to God’s goodness and faithfulness in the midst of pain and struggle, take a moment to share a comment of encouragement to your siblings in the faith. Behold the opportunity to gift another with the same comfort God has given you. You know how desperately they need those reminders that God is near, and that He is still on His throne. This is your opportunity to be the one who comes.

And finally, would you help me spread this message of hope and healing to a hurting world? Share this post on Facebook, Tweet it, Pin it -- whatever will help others know that they are not alone, and that they are deeply loved! (Click here to share it on FB, & at the bottom of this post, right below the "you might also like" section, there are more tiny share buttons if that's helpful.)

 

to the one who's missing out

I said good-bye to my husband and son as they headed out to a birthday party. One that I was planning on going to, but ended up waving good-bye from the driveway while wiping my tears instead.

Since my health adventure began, my husband has been the designated (and delighted) parent to accompany our son to friends’ birthday parties because although I have been blessed with tremendous healing, the amount of energy required to pack up {my special diet} food “to go” almost always far surpasses my limited stamina supply. But this was the first time in the past two years when I felt up to the task!

As a bonus, it was at a local kids’ museum that our son loves, and there was going to be designated free play time to wander and explore, so it was a double win: Not only would we get to celebrate with a sweet classmate, we’d get to have a little family fun, too! Even simple outings are a rare occasion for our family (again, just because my food prep is so daunting), so the fact that I felt up to it was a huge deal, and we were all really looking forward to the special afternoon.

I started the day feeling fine, and started to pack up the “to go” bag around lunchtime. And about ¾ of the way through, I started to run out of steam. My husband arrived home around that time and began to help out, as always. And so I willingly passed the baton so that I could sit, catch my breath, and hope for a second wind. A quick one!

As departure time came close at hand, reality started to set in. And I didn’t like it. We started to explain to our son that I might not be able to join them. (The “might” part still holding out hope for some stamina to kick in.) He was gently pleading with me to go, sweetly explaining that it wouldn't be as loud as some of the other party venues, that it's okay if I just sit the whole time, etc. He just wanted me to be there . . . . and so did I.

I seriously contemplated going and just being a bump on a log per se. I know that would have been okay. But I started to realize that simply the going and the being would be too draining for me with how I was feeling. Which is hard to reconcile when I’ve HAD that stamina recently – so recently I could reach out and touch it. And hard to know how to explain all that to our son.

As he and my husband grabbed the birthday gift off the kitchen counter and settled into the car, I followed them out to say good-bye. And with his window down, my son again tenderly expressed how deeply he wanted me to be a part of the experience. I told him that I whole-heartedly shared in his disappointment, and waved good-bye while wiping tears as they drove off.

~ ~ ~

That wasn’t the first time I’ve felt like I was watching life from the sidelines. A bystander uninvolved, disconnected from life’s current. And as I was crafting this post in my head, I was struggling to know what truth to share with you that would help calm your aching heart. Because I know many of you have been there. You know how painful it is to not be able to DO, and that it’s an altogether deeper level of pain to not even be able to BE, especially with the ones you love most. So I wanted to encourage you to draw your eyes toward Jesus in the middle of the missing out, but I was struggling to find the one thing to share with you, a truth that you could hang onto.

And then, I saw this.

A masterpiece of beauty that God had painted outside my window after evening rain.

After sharing it with our Facebook community, I sent it to Lily. And as she took in the beauty of His canvas in the sky, she asked me:

“What do you hear Him saying as you gaze?”

I knew immediately that the timing of her question was orchestrated by God because just earlier that day, I’d read a post that challenged me toward that very thinking. Holly Gerth was sharing that she’s such a word person {as am I}, and that she tends to think that messages always need words {as do I}, but that she's wanting to hear God’s messages in His beauty around her:

“I’ve realized it’s not so much about what I’m seeing but about what it’s saying . . .”

After Lily posed the question, I started to think out loud with her. I said that come to think of it, the timing was God's . . . (Isn't it always?) . . . He had blessed me with a delightfully-encouraging moment just a little while prior, and so it was as if those colors amidst the dark shadows – those colors that broke through – were God reminding me that all is not dark.It was as if He were saying:
I am here.
I am in it.
And here's a gulp of refreshment to remind you.

And just to make sure I received His Hand-delivered care package for my soul, the Lord gave the same message to Lily for me. When she initially asked what I heard Him saying as I gazed, she also pondered what He might be saying to me. And before I started to think aloud with her, she sensed that He was wanting to tell me:

I am HERE.
I am PRESENT – with YOU.
And that He was wrapping Himself around me with those beautiful colors of accepting, comforting warmth.

Once again, tears streamed down my cheeks. But this time, they were tears of worship, not of loss.

And so, my friend, this is the comfort He offers you in those moments when you feel like life has left you behind:

He offers you Himself.

Every day, God surrounds you and I with stunning reminders that He is with us. Wordless gentleness to calm your aching soul.

Lift your head, my friend, and look for His vibrant colors of comfort in the dark shadows of the storm.
Tune your ears to listen for His still, small voice amidst the thunder that shakes your foundation.
Be still.
And know that He is God.
"For those who fear him lack nothing."
(Ps. 34:9)

Martin Luther once said,
“God writes the Gospel not in the Bible alone, but also on trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars.”

Our Father is perpetually expressing the reality of His nearness to you, my friend. He pours out His beauty to draw your soul even closer to Him, to remind you that He is near.

Look around you.
What do you hear Him saying as you gaze? . . .

Help spread this message of hope to a hurting world by clicking here to share this post on Facebook! (Or click here to have Truth in Weakness posts delivered right to your in box.)

~ ~ ~

for when you have nothing left to give

In my dream the other night, we were deliberating in a room on the second floor. Behind us was a window that showed the small group of people in the back yard outside. He had spontaneously decided to throw a small party. I think it was for our son, but all the guests were adults, so who knows. All I know is that we were the hosts and we were not out there with the guests – we were inside. Because I was feeling absolutely sapped. I felt completely drained mentally, physically, and emotionally. I had absolutely nothing left.

He and I continued to wrestle through finding a viable solution for tackling this dilemma. That troubleshooting dynamic one we’re well acquainted with, one that life has long woven into the fabric of our marriage. We were both clearly feeling the pressure of needing to be out there with our guests. And the guests were clearly awkward. I could see them looking around wondering where we were, exchanging scattered whispers about what to do.

Finally, I decided fine, I’ll go out. But unfortunately, he didn’t stay by my side to compensate for my lack of life. So I just stood there, stiff as stiff can be. I don’t even know who was around me. I was so sapped I couldn’t even look anyone in the eye.
My body had merely shown up.

After doing that for a matter of minutes, I decided it was pointless to be out there, and did an about face to return inside. After I did, the rest of the guests followed. Again, they were wanting to be sensitive to me, but didn’t know what that looked like. And so they were waiting for my cue, my initiation to engage and enter into my own social circle. In the meantime, they all opted to keep a comfortable distance.

As for me? I sat on a chair with my back completely to them. I sat there in desperate nothingness. Surrounded by friends yet completely alone. Until a close friend came over and sat down in front of me, her face toward mine. I hadn’t seen her in the crowd. It was as if she had come out of nowhere. Her disposition was as comfortable as always, unintimidated by my socially-offensive posture, as well as my nothingness. She hadn’t overanalyzed whether I needed space, or assurance, or what precise configuration of both.
She simply came.

Without her even saying a word, my body instinctively inhaled deep breaths simply with the relief of her presence. And I could feel those deep breaths initiating the early stages of physical restoration.
Her presence was offering my soul a calm that was giving my body strength.

~ ~ ~

There was so much reality to this dream: My feelings of isolation. My intense wrestling with feeling like I'm living life with my back turned to my friends because the demands of survival have left my margins so small I can barely discern them. And that nothingness. Oh, how I’ve been there.

But there’s something more powerful than the realistic picture of my life. In this dream, I also see a striking picture of the Lord in my friend’s response. Because unintimidated by all our offensiveness, He breaks through the uncertain crowd to come to us. He meets us in all our nothingness. He turns His face toward ours. And He comes simply to give:

To give encouragement for our burdened minds,
companionship for our lonely hearts,
and strength for our weary bodies.
And His presence draws our mind, body, and soul
to inhale renewing breaths of Life.

So the next time you find yourself feeling so weary that you don’t even have the strength to look life in the eye, know that God sees your need, and He is there. I know you don’t always see Him in the crowd – that large crowd of hurt and circumstance. But He’s there, my friend. And He WILL break through the pain to meet you where you are.

And by the way, if you ever find yourself wondering how to reach out to that friend in need, might I encourage you to not wait for them to initiate? When people are walking through a crisis in life, survival can become so all consuming that they oftentimes won’t have the strength or even time to express a need. And the enemy takes advantage of that – he wants to use your feelings of helplessness to keep you a safe distance from them.
Safe for your comfort zone and pride.
So pray for sensitivity, yes, but don’t over-analyze.

Be the one who comes.


Would you help spread this dose of encouragement by clicking here to share this post on Facebook? There are so many who could use this reminder.

Image above courtesy of Tammy J. Linking up with Ann Voskamp's The Practice of Suffering Series  

Hope for the Critical Heart

{Ravaged by} Great Expectations: Part 2

(Don't miss Part 1, How to Strangle a Great Marriage.)

" . . . we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."
(1 John 3:20)

Remember my recent post on How to Strangle a Great Marriage? You know, the one where I share that one simple step called criticism unhealthy expectations? (Your comments and insights were so powerful, by the way!) Well, there’s unfortunately more to that ugly mess, friends. And it doesn’t just apply to marriage.

When it comes to our expectations, we have a choice as to what we do with them. Just like anything else in life, we can pretty much either attempt to manage them ourselves, or entrust them to the Lord’s loving care. And sadly, I am living proof of what can happen in the heart and mind when we don’t surrender our expectations fully to the Lord.

When I don’t de-throne my expectations, it hinders me from being able to process disappointment from unmet expectations biblically. And as a result, that poorly-processed disappointment quickly and easily leads to critical thoughts instead of forgiveness. Oppressive attacks of entitlement-based thinking, instead of streams of living grace.

One evening a few weeks ago, my husband was managing several time-sensitive business transactions. {He’s a local Real Estate expert, so we’re talkin’ critical stuff like negotiating on behalf of clients making some of the biggest decisions of their lives. But the man thrives with a good challenge. Wish I could say the same!}

Anyway . . . he had these critical transactions on his plate, yet was also graciously making himself available to me on the home front in the in between moments. Amidst his incredibly-full plate, he said some things that were clearly born out of a pressured context, but hurt, nonetheless. And in the middle of that conflict, our son accidentally dropped his drink on the floor, and his glass shattered into a wet mess.

If it had just been the glass that shattered, I would have swept it up. If it had just been liquid that spilled, I would have mopped it up. But this was a mess of both liquid and glass, and I didn’t know how to tackle it.
And that’s exactly how I felt about the ache in my heart at that moment.

I didn't know how to tackle my hurt. I didn't even know where to begin to process it biblically. I tried to remember the 10 principles that I recently shared in my Salve of Truth for the Wounded Soul post. But honestly, I couldn’t remember a single one.
I was drowning in my hurt.

Sadly, this is oftentimes the moment in marital conflict where my critical voice takes over. (For 15 years and counting . . . Sigh.) A speck of hurt can begin to look so large to me that I stare at it. From every angle. I begin to build an argument for why that speck is so terrible. In fact, I tell myself that I can’t even imagine allowing that speck into my own eye . . .
And in doing so, the pride-drenched critical log in my eye gets bigger.
And bigger.
And bigger.

In our conflict that night, my husband, my closest friend, was needing my understanding. But my self-focused flesh shut it down {along with appreciation}, and replaced it with looks of horror.
Over a speck . . .

But let me tell ya, friend – it didn't feel like a speck. It usually doesn't. Because my pride inconspicuously catches a ride with my feelings and sadly convinces my mind's eyes to see every speck magnified as beam-sized crushing blows. But then, something wonderful happened. God spoke to me – even though I was consumed with my hurt, not with Him!
He spoke to me despite me! Because He is greater than our feeble hearts, my friend!!

He said:
Don't make him feel like he's just done the worst thing in the world.
Because He hasn't.

And I thought:
Okay, Lord. Truth for sure . . . in fact, one that has come from my husband’s own lips in the past. Okay . . . don't make him feel like he's done the worst thing in the world . . .

My husband had stepped out of the kitchen for a bit to take care of something, and when he returned, I could tell that he was still bearing a lot of tension, so we delicately danced our way through some dialogue. And we probably exchanged no more than two or three minutes of conversation before the thought rose sharply to my mind:
He hasn't even apologized! . . .
I can't believe he can talk to me without even apologizing!

And in His mercy, God spoke to my wayward heart once again:
Don't look to get.
Look to give.

That evening, I was reminded that despite the battles that fiercely rage within my self-centered nature, God remains on His throne. Despite my tendency to attempt to find in my husband what only God can give, God continues to draw me to Himself. Despite the depravaty of my sin nature, I am hidden with Christ in all His holiness.

Whether you can be the voice of criticism, at times, or the recipient of it, I know the lies of life can become so loud and amplified.

They scream at you and tell you that you're not good enough, or not doing enough. They try to convince you that what he did is unforgivable, or unredeemable. Lies lure us to place our value, or others', in how well we live life, rather than in the sufficiency of Christ.

But I’m here to remind you that the Lord’s voice is LOUDER.
Because regardless of the state of your heart or mind, He is able to speak over the loudest noise in your soul. Whether the screams of hurt, the pain of criticism received, the bondage of expectations and criticism, the clutter of misplaced hope . . .

He is mighty to save us from ourselves, and He can make His voice be heard OVER all our pain, and all our junk.

So maybe you have times when you struggle with a critical spirit like I do. Or maybe you bear the tender bruises from critical words received. This fight for grace is a bloody battle, friends. But it's covered by the blood of Christ. So wherever you find yourself in that painful dynamic, I want you to know that there’s hope for the critical heart.



(Image above courtesy of Natanis Davidsen)

Sober Gratitude

“Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.”
(Psalm 116:7)

The nurse waited while I emptied my pockets and unloaded all my accessories onto the chair next to the scale. My phone, my key, my wallet, and my apple. As I took my shoes off, I anticipated her telling me that I didn’t need to, but I wanted an accurate reading. And I got one.

I’d like to think that I don’t tend to wear my heart of concern on my sleeve during doctors’ visits, but when I saw the number on the scale, I instinctively threw my head back and let out an audible ugh of discouragement.

103.4. An unsettling, underweight number that has stubbornly dug its heels into the ground for the past year and a half of my life.

When I initially walked into the doctor’s office, I had started munching on a large suncrisp apple, and took a few more bites while the nurse was reviewing my list of meds. At one point, she needed to step out to check on something. When she returned, I was in the middle of another bite, and she said, “Boy, you’re really intent on that apple, aren’t you?”

I know – not quite the epitome of sensitivity for a trained nurse to say to an underweight patient. But I’ve regretfully made my share of insensitive comments in life. All of them inadvertently made, but nonetheless, some doozies that sadly make hers pale in comparison. The upside? Her insensitivity didn’t make my world crumble! Without skipping a {distraught} beat, I simply said, “Well, when you’re 103 pounds, you do what you gotta do.”

Aside from my fragile weight, the follow-up appointment was a positive one – including blood pressure coming in at normal range for the first time in years. {YAY!!} But my weight left a trail of deep discomfort in my soul.

On my way to the appointment, I had been running a few minutes late. So when I found a parking spot smack dab in front of the main entrance, I thanked God for His mercy because it was just what I needed! Well, little did I know that He would use that parking spot to meet a need that went far beyond convenience. Little did I know that God had reserved a front-row seat for me to witness a sight that would rein my perspective back in check.

Because after the appointment was over, I walked back out to my car. And while I was still in park, I saw a woman being wheeled out of the building on a stretcher. With two large, familiar straps to keep her body secure, and a very uncomfortable-looking neck brace. Friends, that sight really took me back. Because as many of you know, not too long ago, I was that woman. Helpless and strapped to the stretcher, asking nurses to place saltines in my mouth because I was too weak to do it myself.

And there I was, seeing this scene from the other side. Sitting independently in the driver’s seat of my car . . .

Oh, how I felt for this woman. How I prayed for her. For God’s presence, for His mercy, that He would bring beauty and life out of the helpless, painful circumstance that she was in. And I prayed for the man waiting with her. I prayed until the ambulance came and hoisted her inside of it.

And God brought this thought to mind: I may be 103 pounds, but I can walk. I can drive! I can FUNCTION!

And as He so often does, God offered me several opportunities all around the same time to embrace the same Truth. It’s almost as if He speaks to me in themes many times. And this time, the theme was:

“Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”
(Psalm 116:7)

Because just a week before that appointment, I was embracing my son in his sleep, tears streaming down my face as I wept and prayed for a family in our church whose son was missing. (And has since been found!)

And just the day before my appointment, I walked into our pediatrician’s office for the first time in a while, and the receptionist commented on my weight, saying that I looked like I’d lost about as much weight as she had. I told her that I was recovering from a health crisis, and asked if she minded my asking why she had fallen underweight. And she replied that her husband was killed in a car accident . . . She said it so matter of factly that I didn’t know if I had heard her right. So I clarified, asking WHO it was that was killed in a car accident?
Her husband.

“Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”
(Psalm 116:7)

So yes, I have lost weight. And yes, it can bother me. But these things I know to be true:

~ The Lord has been very good to me. VERY good.
~ And my weight is worthless compared to the infinite value of gaining Christ, Himself. And being found in Him. (Philippians 3:7-8)

Ultimately, it’s not weight I need to gain; it’s Christ.

As I've shared before, I often miss out on radiant treasures right under my nose while struggling to grasp for something lesser. I urge you, sweet souls -- don't miss the radiant treasures along the painful journeys. Don't miss the ways that God reveals His glory to you. Don't miss out on HIM.

I invite you to spend a moment in worship here by sharing just one way that He has made Himself known to you amidst the heartaches of life. One way that He has been good to you. So that your soul may be at rest – once more.


 

Salve of Truth for the Wounded Soul

10 Steps for Applying Truth to an Onslaught of Lies (Part 2)

In my last post, we talked about how our souls are constantly bombarded with hurtful lies. And I shared the first 5 steps that I’ve found helpful when surrounded by these lies. So if you missed it, be sure to read that first (by clicking here).

Those 5 steps we can apply to any lie, whether the pain of a lie is directed at us, or among the steady drum beat of damaging lies from our culture. But these would be particularly-helpful next steps for the times when we are managing the pain of a lie personally spoken to us. And as I was writing these posts, it became clear to me that these 10 principles span far beyond the offense of a lie. For these are really principles that we can apply to pain of ANY kind in a relationship.

These 5 steps are where the rubber meets the road, friends. At least for me. But if the first 5 principles help stop the bleeding caused by a lie, these last 5 are the salve the Lord applies to our wounded souls, fostering healing and redemption.

Beauty for ashes.
Peace for despair.
And freedom for our souls from the burden of a lie.

6. “Show me the log!”
“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”
(Luke 6:41, 42)

The Message uses the analogy of dirt on the face instead of wood in the eye, and I like the way it translates verse 42:
“It's this I-know-better-than-you mentality again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your own part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.”

And if that doesn’t paint a bull’s-eye on my forehead, I don’t know what does. Whether we’re facing a lie-stained speck or any other hurtful speck in a relationship, it’s so critical to ask the Lord to search our own hearts amidst it all. Because if we don’t, we leave our souls vulnerable to having our pride take hold & take our eyes off Jesus. And pride only speaks a language of lies, friend. In my own experience, there’s always a log. Usually – an entire forest . . .

“Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Ps. 139:23, 24)

7. Forgive.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
(Col. 3:12-14)

Only 29 pages into Dan Allender’s book, Bold Love, I was impacted by his powerful observations and insights on forgiveness:
“After years of being bludgeoned by others’ misguided advice and by our own misinformed conscience, we are too weary, hesitant, or angry to enter the true battle toward forgiveness that brings life. The forgiveness of God means little to us, and forgiving others seems like leaping into an abyss of further harm . . . ”

He goes on to explain that forgiving love “enters the fray of betrayal and brokenness with a bold, courageous desire for the kind of reconciliation that redeems all the Evil One’s efforts to destroy” and that it’s the “inconceivable, unexplainable pursuit of the offender by the offended for the sake of restored relationship with God, self, and others.”

Forgiveness isn’t just for the offender’s sake, friend. It’s a gift from the Lord that also heals the hurt done to your soul and mine. But again, forgiveness starts at the Cross. Because without Jesus, we are simply unable to enter what feels like an “abyss of further harm” and genuinely forgive.
The more I come to an understanding of the ugliness and utter depravity of my sin nature, the deeper appreciation I have for the forgiveness that is mine in Jesus. And the more primed I am to freely offer that grace to others!

“It is His forgiveness that is central to any movement to love after love has been trampled.”
- Dan Allender, Bold Love

Forgiveness is HARD. It certainly isn’t natural. And that's precisely the beauty of it – it offers us the opportunity to behold the supernatural, God's glory working in and through us.

8. Pray for them. In fact, ask God to bless them!
“But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”
(Matt. 5:44)

I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard those verses so many times that I can easily gloss over them. But it doesn’t take more than a moment or two for me to plug in practical applications to my relationships, and quickly realize that putting these into practice seems downright impossible! Bless those who curse me? Do good to those who hate me?

Once again, Jesus is calling us to do something that only He can do through us. And as John Piper once said,
“Faith looks to Christ, not self, not even the new self.”

With God, all things ARE possible. And in Christ, we can, in fact, do all things {yes, even seeking to bless those who are ugly to us!}. But only through Him who gives us strength.

I read a neat blog post recently about Job 42:10, which says,
“After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.”

Lynn Cowell points out that God redeemed Job’s experience AFTER he prayed:
“After Job prayed. After Job had prayed for the very friends who ground his heart in the dirt during the most trying time of his life. After he had been accused time and time again of having a unrepentant heart. After he prayed for those who had offended him, the Lord gave.”

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."
(Rom. 12:14)

9. Give thanks.
“In everything, give thanks.”
(1 Thessalonians 5:18)
Did you notice that it doesn’t say “for” everything? . . .
Last year, I heard a phenomenal message from my old pastor, Mark Willey, who shared Habakkuk’s choice between joyful surrender and bitter rebellion. And I was so taken back {in a wonderful way!} when he pointed out that “sorrow and grief are not incompatible with joy.” I felt as if the very reminder of the permission we have to experience sorrow and grief – gave my soul incredible cause for great rejoicing.

He explained that we can experience joy IN our suffering, as opposed to feeling like we need to thank God FOR our suffering. It’s a joy not only in what God will do through the adversity, but a joyful celebration of Who He is!
So does it sting when we hear messages that are so counter to Truth and Grace? Does it grieve us when we are falsely accused by close friends like Job was?
Sure it does!
Do we feel violated when our friends claim with their words to love us, and then like Judas, act as if they don’t?
Absolutely.
But can we run to the Cross and discover an inexpressible joy because our Refuge cannot be shaken? Can we honestly give thanks amidst the pain and bleeding of our souls?
Yes, friends. I believe we can.
God's Word tells us we can!

“I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.”
(Job 42:2)

10. Walk in freedom, not bondage. And let your words breathe life to others.
“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
(John 8:32)

God freely offers us His grace, His mercy, His compassion, His freedom. But He never forces us to receive His gifts. The depths of our souls experience the fullness of His attributes – when we choose to receive them. Therefore, freedom from the bondage of an onslaught of pain and lies is oftentimes a simple choice, my friend.

A choice to run toward the Cross, instead of away from it.
A choice to embrace Truth, rather than let our minds be filled with toxic lies.
A choice to bring Him our pain, instead of attempt to bear what we were never intended to bear.
A choice to receive His comfort, rather than allow more walls to be built in our souls.
A choice to invite Him to humble us, even though our pride-filled flesh resists.
A choice to forgive, even when we don’t feel like it.
A choice to bless, even though we don’t think they deserve it.
A choice to give thanks, even when sorrow seems to overtake us.

These are the choices He offers us. Choices that can only be made as we behold Him, trust that He is who He says He is, trust that we are who He says we are in Christ, and surrender to Him in the moment-to-moments of life.

“So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace.”
(Romans 8:6)

“If we are going to be treated unjustly, and even hurt unjustly for Christ’s sake, and yet bless our adversaries and pray for them, then our natural obsession with self-preoccupation and self-infatuation and self-exaltation must die. But that death will accomplish nothing by itself. It must be replaced by Christ-preoccupation and Christ-infatuation and Christ-exaltation. That’s what faith is: beholding and embracing the all-satisfying treasure of Christ.” – John Piper (Feb, 2005 sermon)
Precious sojourner, in what area of your life do you need to ask the Lord to pour out His salve of Truth on your throbbing, wounded soul? . . . Draw near to Him, sweet soul. And you can count on Him to draw near to you.

~ ~ ~
Image courtesy of Boaz Crawford

Screaming Lies & Whispers of Truth

10 Steps for Applying Truth to an Onslaught of Lies (Part 1)

"Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.” (1 Peter 3:8,9)

Every day, your soul and mine are bombarded with lies. Lies about how to fulfill our deepest longings, lies about what dictates our worth – and whether it’s stable, or comes and goes like the ocean tide. Lies about the purpose of relationships. Lies about who God is, and who we are.

Sometimes we can spot ‘em a mile away. Like dark clouds looming up the road. And so we do a u-turn and high speed the other way – or at least brace ourselves for the storm to come. And other times, they arrive unexpectedly on the doorstep of our hearts. Explosive devices camouflaged in seemingly-innocent brown paper packages.

So I want to share with you 10 things I have found helpful in processing my response to the influx of lies this world doles out. Is this a formula? Nope. As with anything in life, the only “formula” is to align ourselves with the Truth of God’s Word, depend on Jesus to live out that Truth, and follow the Holy Spirit’s leading from moment to moment.

To offer you a little more time to digest these principles, I’m just going to share 1-5 today. So be sure to come back for 6-10!

1. Start with the Cross.
“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t.” (Rom. 7:18, NLT)

In every circumstance we find ourselves, we must always start with the Cross. In other words, we need to completely surrender our will and our self effort to the full lordship of Jesus. With nothing held back. Because without Him, we are unable to live within a context of Truth, and respond to life appropriately.
Without Him, we are powerless.

God has been reminding me lately that the purpose of the Gospel is not only to save me from eternal destruction, but also to save me from the daily destruction of self. Because when I don’t start with the Cross, my pride strangles out humility, and I end up putting myself on the throne of my life, instead of God. And that causes further damage to my soul, and my relationship with Him.
Not my will, but Thine be done.

"I've been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives within me." (Galations 2:20)

2. Recognize a lie for what it is.
Sometimes lies are obvious, and we know to just schlep ‘em off. But sometimes they’re wrapped in pretty packaging with our favorite color. Full and complete with a bow. And so we’re enticed, and don’t even recognize them as lies. After all, how could something so good, so beautiful be an agent of destruction? . . . (Alas, the questions that began in the Garden still continue today, don’t they?)

Whether you spot a lie right away, or realize it after thinking on it for a while, don’t be afraid to recognize it as sin, a grave offense against the holiness of God. Just remember, my friend: It’s a violation of God’s perfect law – not yours.

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged.
Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.
Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37)

Again, it’s imperative that we start with the Cross because on our own, we {subconsciously} believe that WE are the offended Judge. And when we do that, the warm glow of gospel grace sadly becomes cold in our hearts, and leaves our souls frozen in bitterness.

On our own, our vision is distorted by the log in our own eye.
On our own, we can easily mistake personal conviction for biblical Truth.
On our own, our pride subtly buys into self-centered thinking under the guise of passionately pursuing righteousness and Truth. And love is derailed. Oftentimes unknowingly.

Been there. Done that.

3. Don’t listen to the lies. Listen to Truth.
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5)

We often think about our obedience to Christ in terms of our actions, but did you catch what this verse says? Our thoughts need to obey Christ! Have you ever thought about it that way?

To do that, we need to bring them to Him. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And allow them to be under His control, not ours. We need His strength to think hard on Truth amidst the battles of our souls.

But oftentimes, we willingly receive lies and put them on like a comfortable old pair of shoes. I know I do. But you don’t have to put them on, friends. Clothe your soul with Truth instead.

“Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
(Romans 12:2)

4. Bring Him your pain.
Our souls were created for Truth, not lies. For freedom, not bondage. For life, not death. And so our fragile souls grow weary of the oppression of the constant borage of lies. To that, He beckons us to come:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matt. 11:28)

5. Receive His comfort, His words of life.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15,16)

Jesus is no stranger to the Enemy’s attacks, friends. In fact, He is acquainted with them far MORE than you or I will ever be. He understands the intensity that develops in the human heart when a lie is spoken. For He is the One against whom all lies are ultimately directed. He knows, friends. And He is near.
Always.
Whether your feelings agree or not.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Ps. 34:18)

Recently, as I was trying to hear the whispers of Truth amidst a steady flow of criticism, a friend of mine offered me these life-giving words . . .

In Christ, you are loved. You are accepted.
You are loved and accepted right where you’re at,
right where you eat,
right where you think,
right where you live,
right where you sleep,
right where you laugh,
right where you cry,
right where you are afraid,
right where you trust,
right where you fail,
right where you see His success through you,
right wherever you are
and wherever you aren’t
and whatever you are or aren’t doing.
You are just LOVED.
And accepted!

“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)

So when you’ve lost the strength to even hang onto Truth, it’s okay, friend. Because in Christ, Truth is hangin’ onto you! Whether we are faithful or not, He IS.

What lies are you buying into today, friend? Lies from the world? Lies from your own mind? Maybe even lies from a friend. Bring them to the Cross, sweet soul. And leave them there.

“You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy.”
(Psalm 16:11, ESV)


Continue the journey with me by reading Steps 6-10 of Applying Truth to the Onslaught of Lies (by clicking here).

And I invite you to join the Truth in Weakness community on Facebook by clicking here. You can also sign up to have each new blog entry by Truth in Weakness delivered directly to your In Box by entering your e-mail address in the column to the right. Looking forward to continuing the journey with you!

~ ~ ~

Honored to be linking up with Joy in this Journey for Life: Unmasked Wednesdays!


(Image courtesy of Cameron Burns)

Getting Rid of the Lines

Fifteen years ago, I went on an interview for a writing position in center city Philly. After my interviewer had spent some time looking through my portfolio, she laid one of my pieces on the table in front of me, and asked if there were anything I’d change about it.

Now it’s important to note that this was many years before God reached out His hand and offered me the sacred opportunity to begin finding freedom from my perfectionist thinking, and walk through life authentically with Him. So in that season of life, I was well versed on interview tactics, such as how to answer the “What’s your greatest weakness?” question in a strategic manner that would essentially highlight a strength. Exude confidence without sounding arrogant – I knew the drill.

And when it comes to my writing, I’ve always been a perfectionist. Not just with the words, but with their context of design and presentation as well. Even since I’ve started blogging, I’ve had to try very hard – to NOT try! (Oh yes, God surely smiles when I have those conversations with Him. Frequently.) So like any other piece of mine, the piece that my interviewer laid on the table I had certainly worked through with a fine tooth comb ad infinitum.

But there was something about the way I designed this piece that seemed like a stellar idea when I started, but ended up being something I didn’t like at ALL when it was wrapped up. My use of lines.

I had created a thick line or bar under each of the subheadings. And during this early season as a writer, my appreciation for simplicity in life began to emerge in my writing. And that meant lots of white space, lots of room to breathe on a page. And for me, it also meant implementing a minimal-to-no use of lines. (I’m actually incredibly line averse now. That's right, I’m quite skilled at going from one extreme to the other, thankyouverymuch.)

So back to the actual interview. When she asked me what I would change about that piece, I broke my own rule {at the time} by revealing my humanity and gave her an immediate answer:

I’d get rid of all the lines.

It was completely out of character for me to be so transparent in an interview. But oh, what a foreshadowing of what was to come. Because you know what? It recently occurred to me that I’m making the very same change here on my blog. I’m getting rid of the lines . . .

In my early posts, like blogophobia and i am the older brother, I got my line feet wet. I had seen other bloggers strikethrough their words in order to say what they really felt, but what most people wouldn't want to admit. And the words in strikethrough always offered me a great “I can so relate to that!” laugh. They still do.

So after feeling a little more comfortable in my strikethrough skin, I found it a handy tool as I struggled to take a retrospective look back on 15 years in The Fixer-Upper Marriage. I was able to share my struggles – safely behind the lines.

And then came my strikethrough frenzy in because pride cometh before the fender bender. Apparently, there was no holding me back at that point. I mean really, just look at it – it’s practically the attack of the strikethrough font! So much wrestling through thoughts and feelings that I shared . . . well, sort of. At a safe distance, of course {behind the lines}.

And I didn’t realize it at the time, but just like the piece that my interviewer laid on the table 15 years ago, that blog entry was the one that the Lord laid on the table in front of my heart, and asked me how I’d like to make my writing better.
Because I started getting rid of the lines.

Okay, so I still pulled ‘em out a couple months later when I shared my less-than-stellar mom moment in flying shoes & dysfunctional status quos.

But for the most part, the lines are disappearing here at Truth in Weakness.
I’m not hiding behind the strikethrough, anymore.

And I don’t know about you, but just like I love lots of white space on a page, I am loving the emotional breathing space that we’re gaining as I step out from behind the lines!
Room to exchange even more freedom together.

But it's hard to get rid of the lines, isn't it? To risk being that vulnerable? Solid yellow lines get cemented into our hearts telling us that we're only safe within the lines (or behind them). So out of fear of our soul colliding with another and ending up crushed in pieces on cold asphalt, we do not cross.

But I've said it before, and I'll say it again:
The best of friendships are based on truth, not pretense, and offer a safe place to be real and vulnerable.

However, I've also reminded us that as we boldly take steps toward authenticity, we are not defined by how others respond to us in our vulnerability. Our identity must be anchored in Christ alone or else this whole transparency thing becomes one big threat.

So what lines are you still hiding behind, friend? In what areas of your life is it hard to let go of the lines? Oh, how I understand. Because I still have my own lines in life. But with my soul resting safely in the loving arms of Jesus, I’m continuing to get rid of them.
One strikethrough at a time.


Linking up with Beholding Glory for Faith-Filled Friday

How to Strangle a Great Marriage

{Ravaged by} Great Expectations: Part 1

I’ve said more than once that if I could just take all of my expectations and chuck them out the window, I’d have SIGNIFICANTLY less problems in my life. Really, they haunt me in practically every relationship. They suck the very life out of me – and those around me. Some nights they wear me out ‘til I am physically sapped to the core.
Tonight was one of those nights.

I was processing this expectation beast with the Lord, wanting to understand the source of a few of them, in particular – the ones that weigh me down with the heaviest of chains. And why I haven’t let them go yet??
Why do I continue to hold onto some of them when I know that Freedom & Joy await me on the other side? . . .

Like every other married person on the planet, I have dreams and desires for my marriage. Noble dreams! Healthy desires. And so the thought of letting go of them feels like resignation.
As if to show my husband grace by releasing him of an expectation is to throw away the value associated with the expectation, and the well-being of the relationship.
It feels like I’d have to throw away the dream.

“You are a slave to whatever controls you.”
- 2 peter 2:19, CEB

Unfortunately, when it comes to something as important as my marriage, I easily lose every ounce of patience {and perspective} and want results yesterday. So for the sake of time, I repeatedly take matters into my own hands.

Rather than talk to God {the Creator and Sustainer of marriage, by the way} about it first, I go right to my husband {in all my ungracious self-life} and “enlighten him” about the speck in his eye.
And I create relational damage every. single. time.

So when I cling more tightly to good things than to our great God, I put them on a throne that only He deserves. Bright hopes and dreams fade into dark shadows of entitlement. Life and vibrance get strangled out of the relationship.
And I miss the treasure standing right in front of me.

Truth: Trusting God doesn’t mean that we have to lose our dreams and desires.
It means we get to find the very Fulfillment of them!
In the Right Place.
{And the other reality check in all this? Just like I'm needing to entrust my ummet expectations into to the Lord's loving hands, my husband is needing to do the very. same. thing. . . }

Dear friend, do you find it hard to entrust God with your soul's desires, too?
And miss the treasures right before you?

Join the many sojourners struggling along this journey by sharing your thoughts in a comment. Then, be sure to continue with us by reading Part 2, Hope for the Critical Heart.


Image courtesy of Vincent Zegna

Unable to Pray

I walked carefully up the staircase lined with seated people. Bibles open, eyes closed, heads bowed. Each one pleading for a miracle. Yet making a painful choice of the will to surrender their deep desire for God to spare her life, to the mysteries of the One who gave her life.

In a matter of moments, the still, quiet corridor turned Doorway to Divinity, emphatic choruses flooding the Entrance.
Gutsy petitions boldly approaching the Throne of Grace.
Desperate souls running to the Mercy Seat, begging for her healing.

That afternoon, every inch of their home was an open invitation to prayer. {If I’m not mistaken, it’s the same southern home that still adorns Bible verses on the sheetrock and 2x4s in her handwriting.}

When I reached the upstairs, I began my time in her boy’s room. A sobering place to pray when you’re also a mom of a little boy right around his age. A moment when the challenges of life as a mom instantaneously became pale; invisible, really. And so my prayers joined alongside of hers to plead for the well-being of his tender heart and mind, come what may.

I then walked into their girl’s room, and sat on her dainty chair. And suddenly, I was a little girl, too. Crawling up, saddened, into my Father’s lap. All my uncertainties, all my fears, all in plain view. Feebly lifting my head to whisper a prayer into His ear, asking Him to cover this girl’s sweet soul in His strong grace.

After some time in her room, I came to the guest bedroom, my friend’s mom’s room at the time. Her mom was staying with their family to lighten the load, to walk by her daughter’s side during this cruel invasion of disease. And so I kneeled by her bed and prayed for her. For extra measures of Strength, and Grace, and Comfort. And for my friend's dad. And also her brother.

Then, I stepped into my friend and her husband’s bedroom . . .

At the time, I knew my friend’s husband was faithfully loving her through the extra mile of her disease. But it wasn’t until a couple years after this event when I watched my own husband carry the weight of the world on his shoulders during my own health crisis that I could even begin to appreciate the kind of deep, selfless love that my friend's husband had given her. And let me be clear: Our journey is of no comparison whatsoever to theirs. But it sure did open my eyes.

I sat down on the floor, leaned my back against the bed, and tried to pray.
And that’s when my wrestling began.

Given the gravity of my friend’s affliction, I was so overwhelmed I didn’t even know where to begin. I just knew that I was in deep anguish for her and her precious family. So I wanted my prayers to somehow carry a weight comparable to the massive weight of their circumstance. I desperately needed my prayers to be effective . . .

As I sat there on the floor wrestling through this with the Lord, He whispered to me.

Stop trying . . .

That wasn’t the first time He had offered those two words to me that weekend. Nor the first time I felt plagued by inadequacy. I longed to reach down to the core of my friend’s being and love on her in ways that would deeply minister to the depths of her beautiful soul. But I felt so very inadequate for the opportunity.

I heard those two words, and I stopped.
I stopped agonizing over my words.
I stopped trying to pray.

But that stopping, it only happened because of God’s mercy to me and His power. Because once I start trying hard to do something, it is incredibly difficult for me to NOT try. Usually feels near impossible.

Shortly thereafter, my Father began to lead me by the hand to pray. I don’t even remember what I prayed. But I remember that it was effortless.
Because it was all from Him, not from me.

That sacred afternoon in my friends’ home, God revealed to me that it’s not compelling words that make prayer effective and powerful. It’s the power of the Holy Spirit living and breathing through me, as I cry out to the Father with honest and desperate pleas.

God also reminded me that He is the only One who can reach into the depths of a soul and impact it in ways that human lives never can.
He is God. I am not.

Yes, He will sometimes choose to use me in the life of another. But my part is simply to make myself available. The rest is up to Him.

Just like I needed Jesus to save me from the power of my sin, so I also need Him daily to be my Power in living out this life.
Including when I pray.

“Jesus responds not to the eloquence of our prayers, but to our pain . . .
Our prayers may be awkward. Our attempts may be feeble. But since the power of prayer is in the One who hears it and not the one who says it, our prayers do make a difference."
– Max Lucado (He Still Moves Stones)

~ ~ ~

This piece was written in loving memory of my precious friend and sister in Christ, Tara. I am so grateful for the numerous ways that God worked powerfully through her life, and her testimony, to impact my life. And countless others'. It was a privilege to be called her friend.

Thank you to her closest loved ones who gave me the gift of their blessing to share how God continues to use her life, and her passing from this life to the next, to impact my own life.

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Image courtesy of Travis Silva